Neurotic Dad

The journey to parenthood. And irrational fears.

Apr 23

An Open Letter to the American Blogger Guy

Dear American Blogger Guy,

Here are the 3 basic rules for good journalism, which includes documentaries:

  1. It’s not about you.
  2. It’s not about you.
  3. It’s not about you.

Best,

Neurotic Dad


Attack of the Horrible Oversinging 80s Divas

Williamsburg coffee shop. As opposed to their usual habit of blasting terrible fey hipster music, today they are blasting terrible screaming terribleness like Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. I hated this shit when it came out and I hate it now.


Apr 22

What I Thought About While Watching TV on the Elliptical This Morning

  • Why do daytime commercials always show moms wearing cardigans?
  • I didn’t know Charlie Capen had colitis. How brave of him to reveal that on national television.
  • Why is everyone on ESPN yelling at me?

Apr 21

Thanks Very Much, I’ll Be Here All Week, Try the Veal

Wife: “I want to go to [our friend’s thing], but if I come home we can have sex.”

Me: “As much as I want that I think you should show up for [our friend]. Let’s make a sex date instead.”

Wife: “Oooh, a sex date. Okay, when?”

Me: “Tomorrow night. I’m putting it on my calendar now: ‘9 to 9:15pm, make-up sex with wife.’”

Wife: “Is that a double entendre? Do you mean make-up sex because we had a fight yesterday or because we haven’t had sex in a while?”

Me: “It’s a triple entendre. I’ll wear eyeliner.”


Bad Jews: A Playlet

A lovely spring day in New York City. HUSBAND waits with TODDLER in stroller. WIFE enters, stage left.

WIFE: Here’s your coffee. I got a cookie. Want to try it?

HUSBAND: Sure. [Takes bite.] Wow, that’s good.

WIFE: [Takes back cookie. Looks at it. Looks at husband.] Um….

HUSBAND: What?

WIFE: Are cookies kosher for Passover?

HUSBAND: Damn it! Not these. Fuck!

TODDLER: Damn it! Fuck!

-END OF PLAY-


That Wasn’t Really What She Meant

[Boy hits Mommy]

Mommy: If you hit me again, I’m taking your truck away.

[Boy hits Daddy]


Apr 18

Things I Worried About Today

  1. A freak accident on the East River ferry with my wife and child aboard
  2. (Yet again) that I am not fit for any gainful employment other than writing literary fiction about aging male Jews in crisis
  3. Getting fat
  4. Global warming


Apr 17

An Open Letter to My Writer Colleagues

Dear Writer Colleagues,

If you complain about your book tour, you don’t sound charmingly self-deprecating. You sound like a tool.

If you complain about people asking you for blurbs, you don’t sound irreverent and insidery. You sound like a tool.

Best,

Neurotic Dad


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