Neurotic Dad

The journey to parenthood. And irrational fears.

Oct 19

5 Mildly Depressing Facts About My Sunday

  1. I’ve increased my cardio time to 60 minutes. Every male ancestor, probably going back to Abraham, had a heart attack in their mid-50s and that ain’t happening to me.
  2. Also I am at the stage of life when you see people you’ve known from high school and you’re like, “Holy shit! He looks terrible!”
  3. My son won’t stop hitting me.
  4. Still need a job.
  5. I have a cold and my wife is pissed because we were supposed to go to the thee-ater tonight.

Oct 15

Subcategories of Verbal and Non-Verbal Messages Relayed by My 3-Year-Old When Asked to Do Shit He Doesn’t Want to

Verbal (geographic)

  1. YOU GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. GO TO LOS ANGELES.
  2. YOU DON’T LIVE HERE. YOU LIVE IN PORTLAND. YOU’RE A PORTLANDER.
  3. YOU LIVE IN ENGLAND.

Verbal (negatory)

  1. NO.
  2. NO. NO. NO. NO WAY. NO.

Nonverbal (auditory)

  1. Cat hiss

Nonverbal (physical)

  1. Hitting Daddy on the nose with Thomas
  2. Hurling Thomas at Daddy
  3. Cockpunching Daddy


Working on My “Fuck-It List”

It’s like a bucket list except, instead of listing all the stuff you want to do (e.g. publish a book, see the Northern Lights) you list all the shit you’re not dealing with anymore. Here’s a rough draft:

  1. I’m not going to chase after people who can’t be bothered to keep in touch.
  2. I’ve got a kid and I’m revising a novel and I’m looking for work; some shit (like housekeeping) will take a back seat for a while.
  3. I’m not going to lose 15 pounds but I will definitely lose 5.

What’s yours?


Oct 13

Learning to Learn from My Mistakes

I wrote a piece for a magazine that the editor hacked to pieces and I called him up and let him have it because I was sick of being dicked around by editors.

And I felt very proud of myself for hitting back for once.

Then subsequently I realized that I acted like a crazy person.

And now they’re hiring and I am positive that they’d at least consider me if it weren’t for the time I acted like a crazy person.

Although, just before Yom Kippur, I did email said editor and apologize to him for acting like a crazy person.

But I didn’t fast this year so I wonder if the apology counted.

Regardless I think I did the right thing by apologizing for my behavior.

And I’ll apply for the job, because I need one, and when you have a kid you the potential for income trumps the potential for embarrassment.

And now that I am typing this I am thinking that yes indeed I owed that person an apology. But I was right to speak up after getting dicked around.

So the lesson from this whole business is, “Don’t let anyone dick you around but don’t act like a crazy person when you’re not letting anyone dick you around.”


Diseases I Worried about Today

  • Heart disease
  • Cancer
  • Schizophrenia
  • Ebola
  • D68
  • Emphysema

Oct 10

Responses to my question, “What the fuck do you do when your toddler hits you?”

"I tell him hitting hurts, and I walk away or set him down."

Tell them to use their ‘gentle hands’ and have them practice using ‘gentle hands’ regularly.

"I’m gently grabbing my daughter’s hand and saying ‘That hurts mommy please don’t.’"
"Remain calm. Your reaction to the situation will often determine whether the moment escalates and whether or not you can hopefully impart the lesson - you don’t hit people."
"I have a stiff drink and then weep in the closet."*
*That last one was made up.

Oct 8

Parenting Question

What do you do when your toddler hits you? Anon is on.


Oct 6

A Homeless Man Inadvertantly Reinforces Good Dental Hygiene

The boy: “How come you have one tooth on top? Did you forget to brush your teeth?”

Homeless man: “That’s right.”

Me: “You see?”


Neurotic Dad Update

  1. Working parents are always behind on something. In my case it’s basic hygiene.
  2. Looking for a full-time job. Not so easy in your 40s.
  3. Turning down a book deal today. I never believed that I’d type that sentence but they want to change my book into something it’s not.
  4. Starting a new novel, and I’m going to crank this fucker out in 2 months.
  5. Working out an hour a day & dying. Electradaddy, how the fuck do you manage 2?
  6. Waiting for a piece to be published that will bring the wrath of the Internet down on my head. Kind of looking forward to it.

Oct 5

He Doesn’t Really Have This Down Yet

"Knock knock!"

"Who’s there?"

"Chicken toothbrush face!"

"Chicken toothbrush face who?"

"Chicken toothbrush face poop face cup face!"


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