Neurotic Dad

The journey to parenthood. And irrational fears.

Sep 22

The Cat in the Harmless, Educational Hat

Has anyone seen the PBS cartoon of “The Cat in the Hat?” It’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. They’ve taken the cat’s wonderful, criminal creepy anarchy and made him into yet another bland, harmless, “educational” character.

Very depressing.

Sep 21

How To Rile Up the People Who Do Obsessive Keyword Searches on Tumblr

Watch this:

  • Ayn Rand was a shitty writer and Objectivism is philosophy for people who think they’re smarter than they really are
  • The people who freak out every time there’s the tiniest attempt at strengthening gun control laws? They’re dupes of the NRA and they have no idea
  • Any decent person should be disgusted by all the innocent deaths in Gaza but when you get hysterical about Israel while remaining conspicuously silent about Syria, ISIL, Boko Haram, etc etc? Let’s just say you’re not the most objective person in the room.
  • If you tell women that abortion is murder and then you’re angry when they need help you are going to hell

Sep 19

Anonymous said: It's no consequences day. You can do ANYTHING you want to. What do you do?

9am: Wake up, light cigar

9.30am: Go back to bed

11am: Wake up, bloody mary, bacon, cigar

12pm: That student who busted my balls? I’d chloroform him and have “I’m a dick” tattooed backwards on his forehead, so whenever he looked in a mirror he’d be reminded that he’s a dick

1pm: Pizzaburger with 1000 fries

2pm: My former boss? The one who was always flying off to help poor people in South America? I’d drop him off with no money and no cell phone by my old job in South L.A.

3pm: Put flaming paper sack of dog shit by Ann Coulter’s front door; ring; run

4pm: Find Lance Armstrong and kick that lying douche in the nuts, sorry, nut

5pm: Two words: Christina Hendricks

5.07pm: “Seriously? Already?” “Fuck! Christina, I’m so sorry!”

6pm: Volunteer work

7pm: Foie gras with champagne; gigot d’agneau de sept heures with Côtes du Rhône; tartes tatin with caffè coretto; cigar with armaganac; meanwhile, in between courses, destroying a hotel room

8.30pm: Meditate on the oneness of all and the unity of God; cigar

9pm: Put flaming paper sack of dog shit by Vladimir Putin’s front door; and when he opens said door, tell him that the flaming sack of dog shit was put there because he is a fascist

9.30pm: 27 ice cream sandwiches

9.45pm: Put flaming paper sack of dog shit by the front door of that woman who asked me if I was my son’s grandfather; and when she opens said door, tell her that the flaming sack of dog shit was put there because I will hate her with a white-hot flame burning incandescently until the Earth is swallowed by the sun

10pm-4am: Giant awesome house party at someone else’s house; bacon

Anonymous said: Post a selfie? I'd like to see the face behind--or in front of? Underneath? The saying doesn't really match up with anatomy here--all the neuroticism.

Anonymous said: Masturbation or donuts?

Simultaneously. I’ve got two hands.


Anon is on! tacosaysroar inspired me, mandudedad told me how to do it.

I await your questions.


How do you do the anonymous questions thing? It looks like fun

Sep 18

7 Snippets from the Life of a Neurotic Dad

  1. The boy’s new thing is to say “POOP. POOP. POOP.” And then laugh hysterically.
  2. Jewish holidays coming up. Man I hate the fucking holidays. All of them. Even Arbor Day. Who do those fucking trees think they are?
  3. Finished 3rd draft of giant novel. I had all sorts of small projects I was dying to get to and now I can’t write a word. I’m not blocked, just worn out.
  4. As hard as I try, I just can’t make myself like lentils. (Do you think Yentl ever ate some lentils and went mental?)
  5. A slight refreshing chill has come into the New York City air and it feels so good. Fall in New York is the best.
  6. The boy loves when I make up stories for him and now we have this whole elaborate population of characters including small whales, cats, tiny blue alpacas and tiny pink alpacas.
  7. I need to get some fucking money coming in. Seriously I think my wife is considering peddling my ass on the street.

Sep 16

My 3-Year-Old and His Expanding Vocabulary

  • On the crowded bus: “DADDY YOU SILLY COCK.”
  • On a crowded street: “I’M COCKING, YOU COCK.”

Sep 15

Yesterday I Made My Own Harissa

That’s right, suck it, purveyors of mass-produced Middle Eastern hot sauces

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