Neurotic Dad

The journey to parenthood. And irrational fears.

Aug 29

Thanks for ruining my day

Some mom in the park just asked me if my kid was my grandson.


Aug 28

Best Thing Today / Worst Thing Today

Best thing today: Sitting in the park with the boy, side by side, looking at Manhattan, talking about the buildings. The temperature mild and a nice breeze.

Worst thing today: The growing conviction that I can’t make half of the changes to my book that the editor wants me to, because he just doesn’t get what I’m doing, which likely means he won’t buy it.


Aug 27

All About Me Form! (If My 3-Year-Old Filled It Out Himself)

Child’s Name: Scion of Neurotic Dad

Nickname: Snugglebiscuit, Snuggleface, Snugglebear, Little Man, Please Stop Yelling At Daddy, Go Play With Your Trains

Self-Care/Toileting: I do not need assistance to pee all over the bathroom floor at restaurants.

Rest Schedule: I will nap during the day, unless Mommy or Daddy have an important deadline.

Medical Issues: As my daddy says, “None, keinahora,” and then he spits three times.

List Languages Spoken at Home: My dad pretends to be able to speak French, Polish, Hebrew and Yiddish, and yet for some reason he is conspicuously silent around native speakers of said languages.

When Do You Find It Necessary to Set Limits for Your Child? Daddy doesn’t like it when I throw his guitar across the room and Mommy doesn’t let me play with the cute rubber bunny in the back of her nightstand drawer.

Separation: Generally I am OK with separation, except for some reason I can’t be away from them when I’m supposed to be sleeping and they want to close the door to their room and make strange rhythmic grunting sounds for 20 minutes.

Favorite Activities: Tricycling, playing with my train set, climbing, yelling “You smell like cat poop!” and laughing maniacally.


Aug 25

Things That Pissed Me Off Before Noon

  • The liberals going wild with moral indignation about the Gaza war while having fuck-all to say about the murderers in Nigeria, Iraq and Syria
  • The conservative apologists for Israel who pay lip service to 2000 civilian deaths in Gaza while clearly not giving a rat’s ass about Palestinians
  • The Republican swine who continuously holler about big government while trying to get elected and thus work for the government
  • The cynical corrupt Democrats that throw away tax money on cronyism
  • That kid who was mean to my kid at the park
  • My career

Aug 23

8 Brief Tales of Portland

1. My friends took me for dinner to a “paleo” food cart. The food was bad and unhealthy but I pretended to like it because I like my friends. I needed something acidic after all that salt and meat so I asked for a diet coke. The cook said, “Um, we don’t do sugar?” And then she suggested I go across the street for artisanal soda.

2. As we were eating, a woman walked down the street playing a banjo. Previously I’d seen two guitarists and a ukelele player. Is there a terrible shortage of instrument cases in Portland? Do they believe that instrument cases cause global warming?

3. I enjoyed needling people by mentioning how much I liked “Portlandia.” Locals then inevitably told me (a) that they don’t watch the show and (b) that the show gets Portland all wrong.

4. You can buy a decent house in a good neighborhood for like $400k. And lots of people are really nice, as opposed to “we-pretend-to-be-really-nice-but-actually-we-know-better-than-you-about-everything.”

5. One day we took a driving trip and saw some stunning examples of natural beauty. Another day we took a driving trip and ended up in the land of meth and militias.

6. There was the girl who asked me if I was Jewish because “your arms were hairy.” There was the guy who insinuated that Jews control the media. There was all the graffiti about “Israeli war crimes.” Granted, my arms are hairy, there are a lot of Jews in media, and Israel has committed war crimes. Nevertheless I felt uncomfortable.

7. Downtown Portland is like Downtown LA, which is like New York in the 80s — pockets of wealth next to homelessness and poverty.

8. I spent much of my trip feeling Tumblr guilt: the regret you feel when there’s no chance to get in touch with Tumblr friends.


Aug 20

Incidentally

The Pacific NW is gorgeous but it’s impossible to get a quick answer to fucking anything


BTW

"Paleo" food is gross.


Aug 17

This Was a New One for Me

"You’ve got hairy arms. Are you Jewish?"


Aug 16

Hi Everybody

I’m on vacation and we left our laptops at home and every time I reach for my phone my wife slaps my hand with a ruler.

Love

ND


Aug 13

An Open Letter to the Guy at the Gym Listening to Horrible Dance Music without Headphones

Dear Guy at the Gym Listening to Horrible Dance Music without Headphones,

You are a terrible person.

Best,

Neurotic Dad


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